"Will Bite"

That's what's written in my file at the vet. WILL BITE.

Come on. It was their fault - the vet was totally asking for it.

A few years ago, I had explosive diarrhea all over the house. It really sucked, especially, because, as you know - I much prefer pooping on sticks to a laminate and carpeted flooring. And my open was on fire. For those of you that don't know - my open is what you lowly humans refer to as "an asshole."

::cue me singing "OOOOOWWWWWW, my opens on fiiiireeee" to the tune of "Your Sex is on Fire" by Kings of Leon::

Anyway, when Mom came home she decided to take me to the evil man in the smurf suit. The evil, evil man with the long stick that he shoved up my open. Of course I was going to nip. Stay away from my open!!!

So, the torture continued, they put me under anesthesia and continued to defile my open. Shoving fingers, thermometers and whatever else would fit. He even had the never to tell Mom that he "decompacted my anal glads because he was in the area." Like he should win some kind of prize. I was saving that, you know!

So ever since then, the man in the smurf suit = devil man.

Earlier this week, Dad noticed a bump on my elbow. Which, naturally, my Mom decided was worthy of bringing me back to evil smurf-suited, anal-decompacting man.

And then I was muzzled. You know, because I "WILL BITE."

They proceeded to shave my beautiful coat and stick needles into my sore bumps. Who does this? See? Only a purely evil man they call "The Vet."

So, in reality, I think they should change my chart to say:

"WILL BITE WHEN SODOMIZED"

or "WILL BITE WHEN VIOLATED"

or "DOESN'T LIKE HAVING NEEDLES SHOVED INTO BUMPS AND ESPECIALLY DISLIKES ANYTHING SHOVED INTO HIS OPEN!"

Besides, does this look like the face of a biter?

(And for those of you wondering, the bumps turned out to be nothing. I'm fine. I could have told them that.)

The Werebasset strikes again

There I was, sleeping soundly, minding my own business (and snoring loudly, of course) when out of no where - there it was again. "HHHOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLLLLL!!!!" It was enough to wake me out of a sound sleep.

Stupid Werebasset. He'll get his. I mean, it's one thing to disrupt my Mom and Dad. I mean, what do they need sleep for? It's not like they work or anything. Not the way I work anyway. I mean, I have long days of circling on my bed, deciding where to poop, chasing my tail, hiding my toys behind the couch...the list goes on. I need my beauty rest.

So, if you're wondering why I haven't been updating, blame the Werebasset for interrupting my slumber. Or my stupid Dad for breaking my laptop.

I'll get you, Werebasset!


(Stayed tuned for why I hate Mom, part: 582)