Christmas Antics

Christmas was a bit ruff (Get it? Ruff?). I had to work ALL DAY.

The day started out well though, Santa brought me lots of gifts. Here I am playing with one:


Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.It's a bird! It's a plane!It's me, Baxter!


After I played with my new toys, I discovered that Santa had left more for me under the tree. While my parents busy cooking, I was busy unwrapping my gifts from under the tree. It was AWESOME!

Did someone say Christmas Ham?


Once guests arrived, I made sure to bark as much as possible throughout the day. After all, I was working that day. While everyone ate dinner and tried to talk, I barked. I take my job very seriously. I'm pretty good at it. I'm almost positive everyone told me to be quiet at least once. Ahh, success!

Here I am mid bark. I always have something to say:


Here I am doing my Wallace and Gromit impression:


Towards the end of the day, I was complete exhausted. It's hard work, annoying humans. Finally, I decided to rest on my loveseat. Unfortunately, I had to share with Grandma. I hate sharing. It's MY loveseat, Grandma.

The Bassets Escape on Christmas Eve, Hurrah, Hurrah.

I always have to add some excitement to the holidays. It's what I do. It's how I roll.

Yesterday was Christmas Eve. I don't really know what it is, other than the fact that Mom and Dad don't go to work that day but leave me alone anyway.

So, doing what any good pig would do - I escaped yesterday. I'm so stealthy. Right when Dad opened the door for Mom, I saw my chance - and took it. I bolted as soon as the storm door opened. I frolicked and ran crazily through the parking lot (making sure to stay on the icy sidewalk of course. The snow would have just slowed me down). Dad chased after me and got me to turn around. I then spotted Mom, leash in hand. She's no match for me. I darted down the stairs - ha ha!

My plan worked perfectly until of course, I was distracted by a large mound of snow. Mmmm, snow. It was so tasty, but ultimately lead to my demise. As I stood licking the giant snow heap, dad grabbed my collar and Mom put my leash on. Jerks.

Dad dragged me inside, called me a douchebag and locked me inside. Whatever, I had my victory. As far as I'm concerned, I won this one.

Parents: 1
Baxter: 1

I'm leveling the playing field.

What Mom and Dad didn't realize though, is that I was trying to throw a party. I was holding a basset convention. And they ruined it.

See, I was heading to Fred's house. My parents have never met Fred, but he's another basset - from the next town over. Once I was trapped inside, I dexted (dog texting) Fred to come over instead, since my 'rents had foiled my escape.

Naturally, since I'm the superior basset, Fred obliged and escaped his house. What's a mild electric shot among friends?

That would have worked beautifully...until Mom and Dad spotted Fred running frantically throughout the streets. Fred, being the amicable basset that he is, fell for their plan. Mom said: "Hey, dog" as Dad pulled over. They held his red collar (I also have a red collar) and called his human. Stupid parents. Fred's human came to retrieve him thus ruining our Christmas Eve basset convention plans. Jerks. All of you! I shake my paw at you!

For the record, Fred and I look very much alike. We are both supremely cute, tri colored bassets. The best of the breed, really.

So once again, foiled by the humans. I guess that means they're winning.

Parents: 2
Baxter: 1

I'll get mine.

Stay tuned for my Christmas antics.

Fluffy White Stuff Stikes Again

There is so much of it. My parents laugh at me because I'm "Pepe Le Pew" hopping up to the woods. I can't help it. The snow completely covers my stumps which makes pooping difficult. First, I have to hop my way up to the woods, then I have to mash down the snow while pacing back and forth, sniff out a good spot - you know the drill. And it's cold. And wet. The only good thing about it is that it tastes good - nice flavor, crunchy texture with a touch of environmental pollution. Good stuff.

Here I am running down the hill. Look at me in action:

O Christmas Ham

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham

How ever salty are you?

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham

You make me drool when you're around

I hope that you fall on the ground

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham

How ever tasty are you?

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham

How ever awesome are thee

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham

You smell so good when you're around

You are a great sight to see

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham

How ever glazed are thee

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham

You make the house smell so Hammy

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham

You taste like you'll stick to my ribs

I so glad I don't wear a bib

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham

You are so ever tasty are thee

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham

You taste so good in my belly

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham

Your glaze is sweet

How tasty is your meat

O Christmas Ham, O Christmas Ham
I hope Santa brings you to me

I want to roll in it......

Today Mom and Dad were waiting around for something called "U-Verse." I told them they shouldn't waste their time with it and should just order "Hound-Verse," its all bassetts, all the time. Well, anyways, the signal isn't making it to our house so it couldn't get hooked up today. But, the guy that came to hook it up smelled like stale cigarrettes and cologne. It was awesome. I love stink. I love licking my butt too. It tastes so good, especially after I eat peanuts and mom hair!

On an unrelated note, I dropped my Kong off of my bed and it rolled behind the couch. I miss it. I can see it, but I can't reach it. If only there was some way I could walk behind the couch and pick it up. I keep hinting at my parents to get it, but they are just simple, stupid humans and apparently don't understand hound speak. STOP STARING AT ME AND PICK UP MY FREAKIN' KONG!!!!! God, they just blink at me and laugh. Where did I go wrong with them. I tried to train them to understand how important basset hounds are and that they should honor me, but they just don't seem willing to learn. I will just keep at it, they'll come around someday.

I miss you Kong!

Have you ever noticed...

That my name fits perfectly in the Mickey Mouse Theme?

B-A-X-T-E-R.....H-O-U-N-D!
Baxter Hound!

Yup, it works. And it's way better than Mickey Mouse. What does a stupid mouse need a theme song for? That's just stupid.

My new addiction

Beneful. It's so yummy and delicious - plus it stinks to high heaven, so that makes it even more appealing. It looks a little like fruity pebbles so I'm told (I don't really know - I can't see color, remember?) I know it's shaped much better than those stupid mini chunks mom was feeding me. Stupid mini chunks.

Anyway, I love my Beneful so much that I insisted on eating before going out this morning. Normally, I wake up - exude my sleepy basset stench and wait for Mom to take me out. But not today. Today, I exuded my stench, stretched and waited for Mom to open the door. Once she did - down the stairs and into the kitchen I went.

Gone are the days that I'd go out and decide not to eat because my parents were leaving me (again). Nope, now I must eat immediately. I am a Beneful addict. I must have it.

Incidentally, it makes my gas smell extra fragrant - in case you were wondering. Mom has pulled her sweatshirt over her nose twice as I've been writing this. Twice!

Oh, and if you'd like to know about my other food addiction and would like to buy some for me (Grandma), it's these:

They're my favorite cookie. They can be bought here: https://www.threedog.com/ or at your local walmart. So get shopping.

Attack of the fluffly white stuff

It's back. I haven't seen it in a while, but last night it started. There was some fluffy white stuff on the ground when mom took me out last night. It was there again this morning.

Oh, how I love the fluffy white stuff. I love to bury my nose in it and inhale, even though it makes tracking difficult. I love dragging mom through it when I go to poop in the woods. I love frolicking in it, even though it's cold.

I am glad it happened on a day that I'm already working though. Usually when this happens on my days off my stupid parents stay home and I have to work an extra day that week. It totally sucks, I hate having to work overtime unexpectedly. Totally cramps my style.

Also, I'm mad at dad. He and the rest of the men in the family went to drive little cars around a track - and he didn't even invite me. Jerk. I love driving.

I licked a tub (and I liked it)

...the taste of that shower curtain
I licked a tub just to try it
I hope my parents don't mind it
It felt so cold
It felt so white
Don't mean I'm clean tonight
I licked a tub and I liked it
I liked it

That's right, I licked the tub - and I liked it. In case you couldn't tell (sometimes dad needs the jokes explained to him) - this is to the melody of "I kissed a girl." But that's a stupid song. Who would want to kiss a girl? Licking a tub is much more fun. It's how I get some of my daily water intake.

Every time my parents are showering, I make sure to stand guard and drink the water droplets either from the raining room itself, the plastic thing, or the bath. They all work about the same, but the rain itself leaves water droplets on my dome. And then the water gets in my eyes - makes me all squinty.

So yea, I licked a tub. What of it?

PS - Stay tuned for more of my awesome musical genius.

I'm so happy, I could poop on a stick!

Holy crap, I have followers! Thats right I have fans and they are not grandma or her stupid cat. I hate that cat. It looks ridiculous in its leash. But at least it drug soup all over the kitchen. Oh wait, back to my initial point. I am sooooooo famous!

My first Christmas

Looking back, my first Christmas wasn't even that great. I mean look at me! I'm dressed like a flying mythical creature (and quite clearly pissed off about it) and I didn't even get a Christmas ham out of the deal. What gives?

The only good thing that came from it was a loofa dog, which I promply destroyed. Thank you very much.

I don't know where this is coming from

But dogs are singing and I can't find it. I'm running around the house looking for them, but I can't find them anywhere. What the hell? I can hear them, but I can't see them. And I can't smell them either.

Stupid singing dogs.

Dear Santa:

I know I haven't visited you yet this year - and I don't know what my mom's plans are this year...but I did enjoy our chat in the past. Remember?

Anyway, here's what I'd like for Christmas:

1) A Christmas ham

2) A new Loofa dog to destroy

3) To be allowed on mom and dad's bed

4) To be allowed to attack Mercy (stupid cat)

5) Snow

6) Peanuts

Wow, that was fun!

I just ran back and forth. It was awesome. I think I need my nails clipped, my mom should get on that. Maybe, I will march across the floor and jump on the love seat. Yes, that sounds like it would be lovely.

Now that I am on the love seat I can continue my blog. (look mom! I started a new paragraph!) Well, I think I am a very good pig. But all night mom has been talking about some tiny little baby pig she saw at the pet store. I'm the only pig in this house! I think the pig she saw is Italian because she keeps calling it a Guinea Pig.

So, the rents' put up all of the christmas decorations tonight. At first I was excited, but then Dad vaccumed. I hate that f$#*ing thing. I was standing in the middle of the stairs and he pointed the hose for it at me and I did not know what to do. Also, every christmas so far there has been ham. I see no christmas ham! I sniff the fridge, no ham. I lick my butt, no ham. I poop outside, no ham. What the frig is this! How can a hound survive with no ham! I mean christmas ham is my favorite. Although I did get to munch some new cookies. So if any of you baxter-bloggers are looking for christmas ideas for me, here's a list:

1) A new convertible.
2) Lots of Ham.
3) Some Mint flavored dental floss. (it's good, but it causes major nun-chuck poop.)
4) Pretzels with ranch dressing.
5) Bones.
6) A belly rub.
7) My own place.
8) BAILEYS!!!!

I love Baileys! It's my favorite! One day mom was having some Baileys in a nifty crystal snifter. Basically its a fancy dog bowl for humans. She left it on the table for me so I drank it. Ever since then, I've been hooked. Ok, well I feel like I am rambling. I'm going to go lick my butt now.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Love,
Baxter

P.S. - Dad you're my favorite. I am sorry about the couch post. You are the best human ever! ::lick::

It's 11:21, do you know where your Basset is?

Ok, so it's 11:21 and I'm as hyper as hell. I have these furry squeaky things that I'm constantly squeaking. I think I might run back and forth uncontrollably and bark for a few minutes, I'll be back......

Couch wars

Dad tortured me last night. Stupid dad.

I was simply minding my own business, pushing mom and dad around on the couch trying to get comfortable when all of the sudden dad puts his legs on me. The nerve! Make me lie down before I've circled. And, facing the wrong direction no less. But, I sucked it up and stayed there (mainly because the weight of his legs made it impossible to move).

As if that wasn't bad enough - dad decided he wanted to cuddle. Next thing I know, I'm on my back, lying next to dad - paws in the air. Mom thought it was funny. I thought it was annoying. I hate lying on my back. This is my couch, dad should be honored that I let him share it with me. Instead, he torments me. Jerk. He'll get his.

In other news "Thanksgiving" is tomorrow. I hope it's as good as Christmas - there better be ham involved.

Even dogs say their prayers

See?

I know EXACTLY where he's coming from. It's ON, Mercy. Stupid cat.

My dad is super awesome!

Ok, I usually don't get all mushy on my blog but I am so wasted on dog bowls of water and pretzels with ranch and I just want the whole world to know that my dad is the best dad ever! He is my favorite. He's my buddy. Thats because sometimes my mom makes fun of me for not using paragraphs in my blogs. So here you go mom, this paragraph-less blog is for you!!! I want to eat grandma's cat. See, I started a new topic without a new paragraph! I went from talking about my dad being super awesome to eating grandma's cat with no transition or indentation or anything! I am so awesome!!! I'm a good pig........@gmail.com!

One Stick, Two Stick, Bean Stick - Green Stick

Recently, my mom bought this:

Pretty cool looking, huh?

Well, today they made it for dinner. Pretty odd thing to cook a toy if you ask me, but whatever - my parents are weird. The best part was when dad gave me the green stick. It was nice and chewy. My only complaint is that it didn't squeak. What kind of toy doesn't squeak? Stupid parents - I bet it would have squeaked if they left the balls on it. I bet all of them had squeakers.

I carried it around the house. See?

I only got snagged once - then I realized if I tilt my dome to the side I could fit anywhere. Mom wasn't too thrilled when I started leaving green stick shavings in their room - or when I started to play keep away. Tough luck.

She sucks - she stole my green stick. Actually, I take that back. She did give me one of the green balls - which was delicious, if I do say so myself (even though it didn't squeak -I'm guess squeakers melt when they're cooked).

I don't know why - but dad seemed thoroughly disgusted when I gulped it down. Dad just doesn't know what's good for him.

Crap, now we're even

Baxter: 1
Mom: 1

She's on to me. She went to take a shower today, so, naturally, I jumped onto her bed. She caught me, so I slunk off, head down, implying I wouldn't do it again. So, she went to the bathroom (again) - I thought I was safe. I had my front paws on the bed when she came around the corner. I was caught red pawed. I apologized. Again.

This time, I'll wait until I know she's in the shower. I followed her to the bathroom to make sure she got in, and what do you know - she closed the door behind me.

She won.

I had to spend the entire time in the bathroom. I nudged the door with my nose but it was no use - I didn't have enough room to get my nose around their water sticks (or in human terms "toilet"). I was trapped.

I spent the time lying on the bathmat, staring longingly at the door. Oh how I wanted to be on the nice, comfy, human bed. I whined. I circled. I stood on my hind legs while staring at the door knob. It was no use. Mom wouldn't budge.

Until next time, Mom. Until next time.

I'm the kong master

I admit, when my parents first gave me the infernal kong, I was annoyed. How was I supposed to get the biscuit out? What the hell? Give me my treat, you stupid rubber beehive!

But then, after 2 or 3 tries, I mastered it. At most, I can get my treat within 30 seconds - 1 minute (human time).

Sometimes they try to fool me, shoving 2+ cookies in at once - but that's still no match for me.

I am Baxter - king of the kong.

What the frig?!?!?

Ok, so I had a long grueling weekend working at Grandma's this weekend, so I was looking forward to my five days off this week. Today I was happily devouring a luffa dog at the top of the stairs and I heard a noise. I look behind me and Dad was standing there. What the frig? Don't you ever work? Christ. Now my days off are interrupted and I had to work on a day off. I mean I usually work 2 days a week, But this week it is 3 days. I don't know if I can keep up with this schedule, I'm exhausted. I did get to make Lasagna today though, Dad was busy cleaning and stuff, but I was like "Dad, I'm trying to make lasagna give me meat!" Now my parents are both home watching TV. I am so stressed. I need a day off.

I'm winning, Mom

See that? That's me chillin' on my parents bed.

Mom took that picture with her cell phone, which is why it's so dark.

Mom doesn't usually shower in the morning so when she hopped into the shower this morning, I jumped at the opportunity (literally) and snuggle on their bed. Ahhhh, sweet comfort.

Of course, when mom went into the shower, I was snuggled on my own bed. She's so annoying. There I was, nicely sleeping on my bed with my head on my blankets (for a pillow) and my ear draped over my eyes (I hate when they turn the lights on in the morning) - when all of the sudden I hear click. Mom took a picture. How dare she! Jerk!

So, naturally, once I heard the water running, I hopped up onto their bed. Haha, take that!

Mom said something about it not being allowed, blah blah blah. I wasn't really listening to her scold me once she found me. I did through in a few good shakes for good measure - you know, make her think I'm scared of something. What can I say? The sound of water running through the pipes freaks me out. Besides, I have my humans trained. If they push me off the bed, they know I may pee. I've been known to pee out of excitement, fear and just about anything else - so they know it's a risk they take. They don't want pee on their bed. Muhahahaha.

Mom proceeded to take out the little black dog that blows hot air after scolding me. Usually, I like to bark at the little black dog. Show it who's boss, you know. Sometimes it turns around and blows hot air at me - so I bark more...although...the warm air does feel nice.

I digress. I didn't get up to bark at the little black dog today because, well, I was enjoying the sweet comfort of a memory foam mattress. I'm not stupid you know, I know good comfort when I see it.

When mom told me to get up to go outside, I refused. I sat and stared at her. Then I rolled my eyes as she came over with the collar and leash.

For the record:

Baxter: 1
Mom: 0

Laundry Day

Unlike my humans, I love laundry day.

Poor, unsuspecting dad was doing his monthly mound of laundry tonight so I snuck downstairs and took one of his socks for myself. I love socks - they're my little socky friends. Oh, how I love to chew them, rip them to shreds and play tug of war with them.

Unfortunately, mom foiled my plan.

I had neatly hidden my new sock in the folds of my mouth - but mom can always tell. I swiftly carried the sock to my bed and started going to town. Suddenly, mom called dad over to see if that was his sock. (Although, clearly I had already claimed it. It was, after all, in my mouth, not his.)

Dad proceeded to wave his finger at me and stole my new socky friend from me. I don't see why he put it in the washing machine though. My mouth cleaned it enough. Clean freak.

Parents: 1
Baxter: 0

I'll get mine.

**********************************************************

In other news, I'll be spending this weekend at Grandma's. I'm already plotting my attack on Mercy. Stupid cat.

I miss my mom

I hate to admit that, but I do.

She was home last week - Thursday through Monday. And we cuddled, a lot. Especially Monday. Monday mom was tired, so she lied on the couch pretty much all day and, being the cuddle buddy that I am, I lied with her. All day. I think we got up maybe three times.

Really, I was cold. I needed the body heat. Yes, that's it.

But, yesterday morning she was back to her old ways. We went out and she left. She did the same thing today. I still don't know where she goes. Usually, I enjoy my time off, but not today. Today I gazed sadly out the window and watched her get in the car. Without me. What the hell, Mom? I love driving.

I am the basset that goes bump in the night

Yea, that's me.

Usually at night I check on my parents a few times. You know, trot around the bed and make sure they're still in there. Sometimes I sleep walk though, and walk my dome right into the side of their bed. Stupid wooden bed. Always getting in my way.

Last night, mom was lying in bed. Since I'm so stealthy, I peaked over the foot of the bed and saw mom alone. I lunged into action and appeared next to her. Yea, I know I'm not "supposed" to be on their bed. But who cares? So, I did the nice thing and sniffed her. Knowing she couldn't kick me off because of her recent surgery, I started circling. You'd think a king size bed would automatically be comfortable. But it's not. It too requires the proper amount of circling to ensure maximum comfort.

Unfortunately, right when I got comfortable, Dad came out of the bathroom and started telling me to get off. I understood what he was saying, but wagged my tail, hoping to persuade him into letting me stay. I thought it worked. Dad got into bed and for a moment, all three of us were snug as a bug in a rug...or on a bed...whatever.

But then dad shoved his covered feet under me and off the bed I went. Jerk. I will win.

I still hate my humans...

Yup, as if the pig suit wasn't bad enough. Who dresses a pig up like a pig anyway.....morons. Well, I usually sit on the couch to watch Wheel of Fortune and I sometimes let the humans watch with me. But, there is this unspoken "Baxter gets 2 cushions, Human's share 1 cushion" rule. I mean, my tail and ears need space to stretch out. Now Mom thinks she can just take over 2 cushions. I mean when I jumped on her before she was all like "Oh, I just had surgery I need to stretch out Baxter, blah, blah, blah..." I just stopped listening. I mean who does she think she is, I earn all the biscuits in this house. I am so angry I could poop again. Actually that would make for 7 poops today. I am so awesome. That is why all the trick-or-treating hotties love me, they are all like "Oh, my God! Look at the cute pig, Baxter is so hot and awesome." I love Halloween!

I hate my humans

Need I say more?




This is what I have to say to you, stupid humans:

Stupid Floor

So, I freeze my butt off all night because my Dad was too lazy to get up and cover me after I uncovered myself. Jerk. Then to make matters worse, Mom was complaining about it being cold, so they "turned the heat on," whatever that means. Now the floor keeps blowing hot air at me and I am sweating my dog balls off, well maybe I should say "sweating my coin purse off" because I lost my balls a few years ago and I don't know where they went. But I digress, the point is its hot and I have to poop.

Bed Time

Last night my parents went out. Leaving me home alone. Again.

So, I did what any good pig would do. I broke into their room and nestled in their bed. See, I'm "not allowed" on their bed. Something about having 2 beds of my own (one complete with springs), smelling like a dog, blah, blah, blah.

I curled up into a nice ball on mom's side (my favorite) and even cuddled with her pair of fleece pants that she left on the bed. I love fleece.

Naturally, I sprang to action when I heard them open the door. I made like I was lying at the top of the stairs (another one of my favorite places) and greeted them at the door. I wagged my butt with glee.

But, I was discovered. Their bed was hot to the touch where I had been lying. Whoops.

Nun-chuck Poop

Thank god it's Monday. I'm drained from this week. Saturday and Sunday were brutal. I need my rest!

Today, like everyday, mom took me out in the morning before she left for the day. I still haven't figured out where she goes - but I'm thankful that she leaves. I just cannot work that much. It takes a lot of energy to chase my tail, bark, chase the laser pointer and do other things to amuse my humans.

Anyway, back to my morning outing. I had nun-chuck poop again. For those of you wondering what nun-chuck poop is - it's when poop is dangling by a string. Or, in my case, by a hair. I'm always finding mom's loose hair and eating it - then this happens. And all they do is laugh as I squat about the woods, trying to push out the remaining poop as some dangles from my rear.

It was worth it.

Back from Grandma's

Stupid parents had parties to go to last night so they shipped me off to grandma's.

I spent my time chasing my nemesis, Mercy. Grandma's new, stupid cat.I enjoyed myself. After a straight hour of barking in the cat's face, Grandma decided to separate us. Naturally, since I'm superior, I got to stay with Grandma while the stupid cat was shipped upstairs.

Baxter: 1
Mercy: 0

I'm sad to report that I smell nice and clean now though. I got a bath.

While I love bathing in the bubbles and being pampered, I hate smelling clean. I worked months on that aroma.

I'm off to basque in the sun, hopefully I can conjure up so good stank.