WHAT?

What the F? I just realized my mom is having puppies. Just look at my face when I figured it out:

Seriously - what the F? I am the king around here. My parents do and say what I want. I'm not going to sit idly by and allow for not one, but two puppies to start bossing them around. That's my job. Jerks.

The good news is that these puppies come with lots of little socks and toys. I LOVE socks and toys! They better get on my good side, and pronto. That's right. Baxter and the Babies.

I'll have to teach them the right way to wake Mom and Dad up in the morning and how to poop in the woods. Soon, I will have an army against my parents.

Coming soon: I've opened my own restaurant. Stay tuned for details.

OMG, It just started thundering!

S#@%, S#@%!!!!!!!!!!

My turf....my turf!

That's it - everybody get out of my room! It's my turf! Get OUT!

A few nights ago I was casually sleeping in my new room. The humans call it a bathroom. I call it mine. I recently discovered the soft, fluffy bathmat and have claimed ownership. Anyway, so there I am, sleeping away when all of the sudden Mom waddles in, turns on the lights and starts doing her thing. I mean what the hell, Mom? It's the middle of the night! What the F? Eventually she looks over at me like she's surprised to see me there. Hello? It's my room! So I give her the squintiest basset look I can muster at 3:00 am. Then I make sure she has to bend around me to use the sink, since clearly my space is directly in front of the sink. And I'm not moving. It's too early for this crap.

A few days after that Dad gets up to that incessant, nagging ringing. (And they wonder why I eat phone batteries?) Naturally, I was in my room. So, Dad meanders towards my room, and not wanting to deal with him keeping me up, I saunter out of my room to that inferior "dog bed" they keep for me. Hrmph! Don't they know I need my sleep? Can't they find somewhere else to do this? I only have one room! (Well, at a time, anyway).

And then there was this morning. Mass chaos and doom occurred last night in the form of rain, so naturally I decided I'd be safest in my room (since my jerky parents don't let me sleep on "their" bed). Again, Dad barges in like he owns the place and I saunter out. Luckily for me, Dad wasn't fully with it and forgot to latch the door. So I plowed my way in. Well, sort of. Until Dad started closing the door in my face. Apparently he needed his "privacy." Again, what the F? What is this "privacy?" Don't they know that these things should be done out in the woods and with an audience?

So, Mom, Dad - if you're reading this. Get you're own room - this ones mine. I put my paw down!

Finally!

Dad broke my laptop and it took him months to fix it. I'm sorry I haven't updated people, my parents are idiots. They just had to click a button on "network connections" and the problem was fixed. And just think, they both went to college! What a waste of money that was. I mean, all I do is lick my butt and I could have fixed the computer. Heck I would have, but I don't have any thumbs (just a dew claw), and my paws are to big to use a normal keyboard. I need my special basset keyboard to accommodate "my lovely basset stumps, check'em out." God Fergie, you are a lyrical genius. Well, I'm going to go wake up mom because she is tired and smells like there are humans are in her stomach. Peace.

PS - Grandma, I need a bath.....and a foot massage.

"Will Bite"

That's what's written in my file at the vet. WILL BITE.

Come on. It was their fault - the vet was totally asking for it.

A few years ago, I had explosive diarrhea all over the house. It really sucked, especially, because, as you know - I much prefer pooping on sticks to a laminate and carpeted flooring. And my open was on fire. For those of you that don't know - my open is what you lowly humans refer to as "an asshole."

::cue me singing "OOOOOWWWWWW, my opens on fiiiireeee" to the tune of "Your Sex is on Fire" by Kings of Leon::

Anyway, when Mom came home she decided to take me to the evil man in the smurf suit. The evil, evil man with the long stick that he shoved up my open. Of course I was going to nip. Stay away from my open!!!

So, the torture continued, they put me under anesthesia and continued to defile my open. Shoving fingers, thermometers and whatever else would fit. He even had the never to tell Mom that he "decompacted my anal glads because he was in the area." Like he should win some kind of prize. I was saving that, you know!

So ever since then, the man in the smurf suit = devil man.

Earlier this week, Dad noticed a bump on my elbow. Which, naturally, my Mom decided was worthy of bringing me back to evil smurf-suited, anal-decompacting man.

And then I was muzzled. You know, because I "WILL BITE."

They proceeded to shave my beautiful coat and stick needles into my sore bumps. Who does this? See? Only a purely evil man they call "The Vet."

So, in reality, I think they should change my chart to say:

"WILL BITE WHEN SODOMIZED"

or "WILL BITE WHEN VIOLATED"

or "DOESN'T LIKE HAVING NEEDLES SHOVED INTO BUMPS AND ESPECIALLY DISLIKES ANYTHING SHOVED INTO HIS OPEN!"

Besides, does this look like the face of a biter?

(And for those of you wondering, the bumps turned out to be nothing. I'm fine. I could have told them that.)

The Werebasset strikes again

There I was, sleeping soundly, minding my own business (and snoring loudly, of course) when out of no where - there it was again. "HHHOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLLLLL!!!!" It was enough to wake me out of a sound sleep.

Stupid Werebasset. He'll get his. I mean, it's one thing to disrupt my Mom and Dad. I mean, what do they need sleep for? It's not like they work or anything. Not the way I work anyway. I mean, I have long days of circling on my bed, deciding where to poop, chasing my tail, hiding my toys behind the couch...the list goes on. I need my beauty rest.

So, if you're wondering why I haven't been updating, blame the Werebasset for interrupting my slumber. Or my stupid Dad for breaking my laptop.

I'll get you, Werebasset!


(Stayed tuned for why I hate Mom, part: 582)

The second (or fourth...or 28th) coming of the Basset

I'm 28 today...well, 4 to you human folk that can't seem to get your math right.

So far, it's been a pretty good day. My 'rents are off today - it's about time they had the day off for my birthday. I mean, come on - this is important here. It's my birthday, it should be a national holiday. It's about time it was recognized. I heard something about it being "Good Friday." Of course it's good. It's Friday, which by default is good. And, you know, it's also the second coming of me, Baxter. Right?

Anyway, the day started off pretty good. I slept in today - no annoying beeping by beep clocks in the wee hours of the morning. Then I went out with Dad to poop on some sticks and had breakfast.

Also, my parents just went shopping. I can only assume that it was for my birthday presents. I noticed they came home with some flat ham (or "ham steaks") so that means I'm getting ham for dinner! Yay! I love ham. Birthday Ham is right up there with Christmas Ham, and we all know how I feel about Christmas Ham.

So, I'm assuming I'll get a birthday cake to commemorate this joyous occasion. That will be later though, and, unfortunately, will probably include some humiliating photos.

So - it's my party and I'll have Ham if I want to.

So, honor me. Here are some shots, then and now:

Then:


I'm still using these bowls:

My former favorite way to sleep:


And, now (today):

PS - I can't believe Grandma hasn't even called to wish me a Happy Birthday. Stupid Grandma.

Mmmm....fire sticks

Last night, Dad brought a bunch of sticks into the house. I love sticks! Oh how I love munching them, crunching them and pooping on them.

So anyway, back to the indoor sticks. Apparently, they were going to have a "fire." Yea, it's kinda nice. It's warm and toasty, but I'm more interested in the sticks.

So, I found my favorite. A nice, beautiful stick (a little longer than a basset). So, doing what any good pig would do, I stole it. I munched it (mmmm....tasty!). And then I carried it upstairs to my favorite munching spot. See?
Mmm....fiber.

Then I tried bringing it into Mom and Dad's room, but no such luck. Something about bark shavings all over the floor and scratching the furniture. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention, I was trying to play keep away with my stick.

Then, the unthinkable happened. Dad stole my stick and put it in the fire place. Next thing I knew, my favorite stick was nothing but crumbs. Stupid Dad.

But then, this morning after my breakfast I remembered that they didn't use all the sticks last night. There were still 3 left! Sure, they were about a basset and a half long each, but who cares? I love indoor sticks!

So, I stole another one. From the bottom of the pile, naturally. So, while Mom and Dad were still in bed I rummaged through the stick pile and selected my favorite. Yea, I dropped it a few times, but finally managed to carry it up the 13 stairs to their room. Success!!! ::munch, munch, munch::

Then I decided it wasn't actually my favorite stick, so I needed to get the other one. This was was more of a struggle, but worth the fight. So, I dragged that one upstairs too. Now I had TWO sticks upstairs! Yay!

Then Mom and Dad decided it was a bad idea for me to be eating sticks and stole them away from me. Jerks.

Even worse - they hid them! How could they? And then they broke out the vacuum so I don't even have crumbs to eat. I hate the vacuum!

Oh well. The next stick that comes into this house is mine.

I Don't Give A HOOT!

Ok, so last night I'm in the middle of dreaming about my Beneful and pooping on sticks, when I heard something that woke me up. It sounded like this, "Hoooooooot, Hoot, Hoot, Hoooooooot!" I was like "Shut Up!" It is hard work to be such a beautiful Basset. I need plenty of sleep. Anything less than 23 hours a day and I'm a bear the next day.

I tried looking out of the window to see what was making all the noise. It was a friggin' tree basset. It looked kind of like this:

Next time that a-hole wakes me up, it will be a little like this:

I swear to christ if that f#$%ing tree basset wakes me up one more time, I will shank him.

Anyways, aside from that, life is good. I chased Rufus today and I have crapped about 4 times and it is only 1:15ish.

Peace,

Baxter

Nemisis # 242

The toothbrush.

Really Mom? Really? Was it truly necessary to attack me with the toothbrush and awful minty-fresh paste? I was working so hard on that nice garbage aroma that exuded from my mouth. And now - it's barely noticeable. How depressing. All that hard work...

I mean, it's not like she doesn't know how much I hate the toothbrush. I back away, slapping my gums in disgust. I swear, if that stupid thing wasn't stored so high up out of my reach, I'd destroy him and his minty-fresh taste.

Have ya met Fred?

Fred is my little convict buddy. You see, he's another basset hound that looks just like me. For real. If you're not familiar with the backstory and how Fred escaped the first time, please click here: Fred.

He escaped again last night. He was once again running straight for Mom and Dad's car. So, they pulled over and Fred whined to be let in...so Fred sat on Mom's lap. I can tell because I spent a good 30 minutes sniffing her coat when they got home. Dad called the owner and drove home because no one was answering the phone. Mom was planning on keeping Fred because, well, she's a cheater and loves him too. Jerk. But as soon as they arrived home, the Fred's human called back and Mom, Dad and Fred were off to return him.

This is Fred:

I suppose he's alright looking. I mean, after all, he does look enough like me to make him kind of attractive. But I'm still number 1. Right? Me:

For the record, Mom was going to take Fred in to meet me and take a few good pictures of him and us together, but Dad wouldn't let her.

Until we meet again, Fred.

The Werebasset Struck again

Stupid Werebasset, howling in the middle of the night...again. I can't stand him, he wakes me up out of a sound sleep with his stupid howling.

He needs to learn to control himself. I need my beauty sleep.

I'd write more, but I have to go back to sleep. I'm exhausted now, thanks to him.

My usual antics

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy chasing my tail, running around in circles, playing in the snow, sneaking onto my parents bed, licking my butt (not on the couch of course) and working on my beautiful houndy aroma. What can I say? It takes a lot to be me.

Anyway, tonight I had a green bean. Mmmmm. I think I like those. It wasn't as good as the pork scraps Mom gave me, but it was nice and crunchy - just the way dog food should be.

Not too much is new around here. I've been sneaking onto the parent's bed whenever I can, regardless of if they're in it or not. I like to scope out the situation first. Then I make my move. I jump up with grace and plant myself firmly by their feet. This usually makes my Mom erupt in laughter while Dad sternly replies: "Baaaxxxter" over and over as I ignore him and look the other way.

Eventually, Dad will shove his feet under my body, which will only aggravate me enough to turn around. More laughter. Finally, Dad will end up winning (jerk) and I'll slink of the bed, just as gracefully as before. Then I wind up in my stupid bed, waiting to be covered. And seriously guys? My bed STINKS. Yeeesh. It smells like a Basset's been festering in there!

So, that's what I've been up to.

Also, I'd like to take a moment to say: "Bad Grandma!" Why am I scolding my jerkface Grandmother? Easy - she doesn't want to see me. Who wouldn't want to see this? My parents are planning a Casino escape for a night (don't even get me started. First off, why can't I go to the Casino? I'm an excellent poker player. Most dogs are, but this isn't a hidden fact or anything. Secondly - that $5 that Mom gambles with could be put to much better use - like dog biscuits. I can't even fathom how many biscuits Dad's $20-$40 could by. Stupid parents and their lack of priorities).

Anyway, I digress. Grandma and her stupid cat don't want me staying during the week. Stupid cat. This is all her fault. I don't understand why Grandma won't let me near that stupid furry feline. I only want to play, but she says I'll give it a heart attack. Personally, I think Grandma's over reacting. I'll just chase her around the apartment a few hundred times. No biggie.

So, feel free to comment and tell my Grandma to take me for the night because 1) I need a bath 2) I want to eat...er...chase a cat. 3) I like sleeping on human beds and Mom and Dad won't let me on theirs.

Cuddling and Werebassets, oh my!

I spent much of last night cuddling my mom. First, I sat on her lap. Well - okay, I layed on her lap. She was on the couch, so I took it upon myself to jump up and get into her lap. From time to time I'd switch it up - body in lap. Front paws and head in lap. And switch!

Then, when she was alone in bed, I made my move. I heaved myself onto the human bed. Oh how I love the forbidden human bed! Ahh, sweet comfort.

Dad stared at me when he noticed. I stared him down. This is my bed. Eventually he came over and put his hands under me trying to heave me off the bed. No dice. I then lied directly on Mom. She's mine, I say!

Unfortunately, I lost the battle. Til another time, Dad.

Dad: 1
Baxter: 0

And now for the Werebasset.

In case you don't know, the Werebasset is a strange creature that occasionally pesters all of us when we sleep. He howls randomly in the middle of the night and gives us all panic attacks. He seems to howl around the time of the full moon. Hence the name, Werebasset.

Personally, I don't care so much that it wakes my parents up. But I do care that it wakes me up. I need my beauty sleep! And who howls in the middle of the night, anyway? I'm a sophisticated hound...err, pig. I only howl when provoked. And even then, it's rare.

Anyway, onto last night.

Last night, the Werebasset struck again. Late in the night, while all of us were sleeping he let out a slow, soft, oddly quiet Werebasset howl. I'll get you, Werebasset!

A few of my recent moments

Sorry I'm going to have to condense this list. Mom and Dad have been off for over a week, so I've been working over time lately and pulling all-nighters. I am exhausted!

1) Mom has had Snoopy (my idol) balloon for 2 months now. It has been floating around the spare bedroom - so one day I dragged it outside her bedroom door and woke her up. There it was directly in front of her door: "Cheer Up!" It took the sting out of my morning barf-fest that day.

2) I just stole a Christmas gift. It was AWESOME! I love presents. I love unwrapping. What did they expect me to do with that gift on the floor? (The floor is MY turf - my turf!) It's been sitting there for over a week now so I had to open it. Mom came running up the stairs when she heard the paper shredding. Naturally, I had to play keep away. This was my glass bottle of beer bread. (I love cooking!). Mine! Finally I brought it down stairs, but Dad startled me when he screamed: "Drop it!" So I did just that. I dropped the glass bottle on the hard tile floor. And they had the nerve to look annoyed. I dropped it, didn't I? Isn't that what you told me to do?

This over time is really killing me though. They keep having people over which means I have to bark at them and chase them around the house. And I have to play with Roofus (a "laser pointer" so they call him, but really, he's my BFF).

Even worse - they shipped me to Grandma's recently. Grandma's! It was awful, I was bathed - all that hard work acquiring my wonderful odor gone, just like that. I didn't even get to eat the cat.

Ok, that's all for now. I think I'm going to go sleep on Mom.